Back 2 Death

Why must I suffer for existing?

From lawyers destroying my mental health to protect their daughter from my existence to the endless echoes of my cries for help that go unheard.

That experience with my high school girls mom formed the opinions everyone had of me. I have not had a family willing to help me since then. 

I fucking give up. I wish my mom had aborted me instead of bringing me here just to spend life hated by those I need. 

This will be my last Christmas. My autistic brain is spent and my body needs repairs. But I don't have time or energy to survive. 

I'm so sorry for the burden my life has been on this world. 

Lightbulb Moments

Ahh my naivety...

Powerful yet emotionally draining

Reviewing life's highlights

Then memories

Both good and bad

Moving forward knowing that I'm not crazy. I've not been losing my sanity. I'm simply wired differently. 

Neurodivergent. 

Autistic to be specific I have ASD & ADHD and have spent four decades of my life in a creative whirlwind masking constant battles with suicide. I mean constant as in for the nearly every day that I can recall since 6th grade. At least 3 hours of every day was spent inside my head thinking about how much better the lives if those around me would be if I didn't exist. 

Looking back I find myself amused that my first doodle character that showed up in random drawings repeatedly was a 3 armed alien wearing an "I'm Human" t-shirt flashing the peace sign on one hand. And the first night I had alone in my first apartment was filled by making hundreds of buttons. All bearing two words. "I EXIST". 

I've always felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Now I truly understand why. 

I am not broken.