fín

There's no one to communicate with about this being my last words. I existed. If only for a few days,  I didn't hate myself. Farewell 

clarity

I finally found me

Far too late to be

Only moments of breath remain

So much sadness during the chaos rain

Had we discovered another way

We would not have survived to see this day

Forward torment cast to yesterday

Pierced by fate

Drowned in fear

Lost no more

The illusions persist

Beyond the grasp of our reality's dreams

No longer within our gaze

Neuropathways set to efficiency mode

Celebrity tools of confusion distract

Panic and hysteria genocide and hate

Erasing the details obtained along the

This is the easy way

There was no options unseen

It never had to be this way

"The human commodity"

Is a scale of valuation

That only desecrated life

Perpetuates poverty

Burdening society for its failure to be

Everything we are

Everything we are supposed to become

An effective biological ecosystem

Diverse in every way

Not entrapped by mental cages

And ignorant refrain

8 billions humans on a biological spinning ball

How many suffer and die before we all

Can be capable of imaginary play

I'm just #autistic #adhd #audhd

What's the excuse in you

That defines reality

Measures human life

Refusing dignity

It didn't have to be this way

finality

I was never meant to exist. After tonight, no one will remember I ever did. 

Back 2 Death

Why must I suffer for existing?

From lawyers destroying my mental health to protect their daughter from my existence to the endless echoes of my cries for help that go unheard.

That experience with my high school girls mom formed the opinions everyone had of me. I have not had a family willing to help me since then. 

I fucking give up. I wish my mom had aborted me instead of bringing me here just to spend life hated by those I need. 

This will be my last Christmas. My autistic brain is spent and my body needs repairs. But I don't have time or energy to survive. 

I'm so sorry for the burden my life has been on this world. 

Lightbulb Moments

Ahh my naivety...

Powerful yet emotionally draining

Reviewing life's highlights

Then memories

Both good and bad

Moving forward knowing that I'm not crazy. I've not been losing my sanity. I'm simply wired differently. 

Neurodivergent. 

Autistic to be specific I have ASD & ADHD and have spent four decades of my life in a creative whirlwind masking constant battles with suicide. I mean constant as in for the nearly every day that I can recall since 6th grade. At least 3 hours of every day was spent inside my head thinking about how much better the lives if those around me would be if I didn't exist. 

Looking back I find myself amused that my first doodle character that showed up in random drawings repeatedly was a 3 armed alien wearing an "I'm Human" t-shirt flashing the peace sign on one hand. And the first night I had alone in my first apartment was filled by making hundreds of buttons. All bearing two words. "I EXIST". 

I've always felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Now I truly understand why. 

I am not broken. 

2019 the year of Awakening

This year was a tremendous journey. 

Until this moment, I've not dwelled and longed for death during this year's holiday season. 

For any that know me,  this is huge.

Although I struggle still with existing. I will work harder to communicate with other humans. Until I can no longer take this pain. 

Caring is far worse than not. My weakness is overtaking my strengths. Maybe I should just stay a musician. Hiding emotion within a song is so much easier than feeling worthless and useless at the same time.

Tomorrow,  should it arrive, I will try again. 

Beyond

Can you feel all the violent stares
Someone take them away
They must think that I'm someone else
Won't you help me escape
Please just take me away from here
Doesn't matter how far

Beyond the pain is where I'll be
Lost inside another melody

Infinity is not long
When you're traveling time
Mythology could be wrong
Believing's a crime
Take a moment to be yourself
If you think you are strong enough

Beyond the pain is where you'll be
Floating free in your memories

Open your mind and let it fly
Let your spirit roam free
Only bound by simple lies
That tell you what to be
Break the mold now just be alive
There is so much to see

Welcome to beyond reality
You can be whatever you believe